Attachment in Relationships

Attachment is the glue that holds relationships together. It's more than that though, it helps us to understand who we are and where we fit into the world. Dictionary.com defines attachment as, "An extra part or extension that is or can be attached to something to perform a particular function" OR "affection, fondness, or sympathy for someone to something". Attachment is deeply connected with our identity and even more than that with our safety within the world.

Our attachment center is found in the deepest layer of our right brain in our Thalamus and Basil Ganglion. This helps to determine our safety, and it is important to note that our safety in life is different than feeling fear. We can be afraid and still be safe. Attachment is an emotional bond that forms early in childhood. Our brain development and attachment begin while we are still in utero and continue to develop until about 24 months.

There are two types of attachment; secure and insecure. If your parents can emotionally attune to you and resonate with you, you will develop a secure attachment. Our parents act as an external emotional regulator until our emotional development takes over. Research shows that somewhere between 58-46% of people develop secure attachments in infancy. If your parents cannot meet your emotional needs you will most likely develop an insecure attachment style.

People who learn to attach insecurely will develop one of three styles. These include dismissive/avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, and disorganized/fearful-avoidant. In the psychology world there are a couple of different terms used (listed above) for ease of reading *and writing* I will label them as dismissive, anxious, and disorganized as I outline them below.

Secure Attachment

As stated above approximately 50% of people develop secure attachment from birth. this number is widely disputed in varying research projects however it is typically accepted that the split is about half and half. People who have secure attachments will display the following characteristics and behaviors in a relationship:

1. They feel safe in relationships- knowing they are accepted, loved, and protected no matter what.

2. They feel a deep sense of belonging with their caregiver even if others do not accept them.

3. They can share deep emotional connections with others throughout life- family, friends, children, spouses, siblings, and coworkers.

4. They are confident to be themselves and allow others to be themselves without fear.

God is someone who develops secure attachments. He doesn't do fear bonding with us and is faithful to care for and protect us. His unconditional love and acceptance of each of us set the model of how he created us to be in a relationship with one another. Many people who lack a secure attachment with God did not grow up with secure attachments with their parents and/or caregivers, because of this they have no template for what a secure relationship looks like. Thankfully God is a secure attacher and will prove himself faithful in our lives over and over again until these issues are acknowledged, addressed, and restored- through the lives of other people.

Dismissive Attachment

People with a dismissive attachment style were rarely emotionally attuned with in childhood and learned that there wasn't going to be anyone there with them in big emotions. They learned that it was less painful to stay alone than to try to be with other people when they were experiencing big emotions. The people that they needed when they were younger ended up being unavailable and avoided them as a baby, because of this:

1. They stay emotionally distant from others.

2. They may feel no need for emotional closeness in relationships.

3. They may feel safer on their own and pull away from others

4. They oftentimes live in counter-dependence (an extreme form of independence)

People with a Dismissive attachment style, often wonder to themselves why people go through the trouble of being in emotionally deep and committed relationships. It may seem like too much work, and they may avoid emotional intimacy even though it may be very painful for them at times.

Anxious Attachment

Children who grew up learning how to care for their parent's needs may develop anxious attachment. Unlike the dismissive attachment style that learned it is better to be on their own, those with anxious attachment fear being left alone. Often they are seen as smothering and clingy. If you have an anxious attachment or your partner does some of the behaviors and feelings you may experience in a relationship include:

1. They may have a deep fear of abandonment in a relationship.

2. They may have continuous worries that they have angered their partner or possibly done something wrong that they are not being told about.

3. They may experience strong feelings of anxiety, fear, rejection, hopelessness, and feeling unappreciated.

4. They may pick fights or start drama to "feel" connected to someone.

Disorganized Attachment

The last category of attachment is the most difficult. these children were put in a very unpredictable and terrifying biological war with themselves. Our brains are wired to seek safety and comfort from our caregivers and these children had caregivers that were not safe for them. Not only that, but these caregivers were the actual cause of the fear. So one part of their brain was telling them to run away from danger towards their caregiver and another part was telling them that their caregiver is the cause of the fear and not safe. What a painful and confusing message for a child to receive. Some of the symptoms that a person with a disorganized attachment may experience include:

1. They may have experienced overwhelming grief and still carry unresolved trauma.

2. They struggle to self-regulate their emotions which may lead to destructive behaviors.

3. They find emotional intimacy and trust extremely difficult in relationships.

4. They often struggle with low self-esteem

You Are Not Hopeless

Hearing that half of the people walking around the world (this is an issue that is found worldwide- despite culture, religion, or geographical location) may struggle with insecure attachment can be overwhelming. I know that I was shocked when I first started to understand these things. Thankfully, God created us with minds that can heal, hearts that can heal, and hope for families that can heal, one person at a time. People who develop "earned secure attachment" can develop relationships that are just as fulfilling, committed, and healthy as the people who have a secure attachment from birth.

If you are interested in learning more about attachment, follow along with me. Over the next few weeks, I will be digging deeper into attachment and insecure attachment styles and giving you some questions to ask yourself as you consider how you attach in relationships.

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