Dismissive Attachment

Attachment is the bond that holds us in relationships with others. About half of all the people in the world have secure attachments to the people in their lives. The rest of the people have insecure attachments. Today we are breaking down the insecure attachment, Dismissive attachment style. It's important to learn about these things because the way we attach to others affects every relationship we have. If we don't take the time to learn about the styles, reflect on our own lives, and address our insecure attachments we may end up going through life without ever knowing what a secure relationship is like. What's worse than that, is that without corrective action we will pass along whatever style we attach with to our children.

Feeling Alone

Dismissive attachment forms when a child realizes that their caregiver is not there for them. The adult may be physically present but is not connecting with the child in any emotional capacity. When the child feels overwhelmed with big feelings the parent stays disconnected and leaves the child to "figure it out" on their own. Children are created without the ability to manage and regulate their own emotions, and their parent takes on this role for them externally until the child can regulate their own emotions. However, children who did not have a parent/caregiver that was with them in those big feelings learned that they could not depend on anyone to be with them. They learned that it was no use asking for help and they became self-sufficient. So self-sufficient in fact that their strength of independence turns into counter-dependence as they get older. They find themselves unable and unwilling to ask for help or to depend on other people.

Children whose parents weren't there for them learned that they are the only person they are safe with. This caused them to build walls around themselves to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. This can also translate into a relationship with God. Many people with a dismissive attachment style may feel distant from God, may feel like they don't hear him like other people do, or may have a very religious experience with God instead of an intimately connected conversational relationship. This is because they learned from their early examples that those with authority and power stay far away.

People who have Dismissive Attachment style may struggle with the following:

1. They may withdraw inward or disappear physically during a conflict

2. They may struggle with addictions or perfectionism- something they can control

3. They may feel annoyed or put out by the needs of others wondering to themselves why they "cant' just handle it"

4. They may find it hard to ask for help from anyone

5. They may feel unworthy of help and connection

6. They may avoid emotional connection at all costs- keeping relationships superficial

Awareness Steps

When I delivered my podcast I joked that whoever is listening is probably not the one with Dismissive Attachment style. They would not be investing in digging deeper into relational skills and relationship intimacy issues- it would be their partner. That is possibly true here too. Most likely unless someone has had an awakening to see the state of relationships and then made the conscious decision to pursue healing it will be the partner of a dismissive attacher reading this. So, if that's you or if you do struggle yourself I encourage you to ask yourself these questions about yourself or your partner in reflection this week:

Are you able to be compassionate with yourself as you begin to accept your painful childhood?

What makes you feel unworthy of receiving help?

How do you want your relationships to look?

What small steps can you and are you willing to take toward developing intimacy?

Healing Happens in Relationships

Being dismissed as a child hurts a person to the core. It sends the message that they are not loved, valued, or worth the time or effort. If you experienced this in your childhood I believe God wants to restore your feeling of identity and belonging. In reality, nobody can attach without others that know how to securely attach around us, but we can begin to reflect on our current state, begin to look at our childhood, and begin to identify where we are in relationships with others.

When our needs aren't met, those feelings get cut off from us. They are so big we can't handle them on our own. Being with another safe person allows us to begin feeling what we cut off from ourselves and processing our experiences. It is in relationships that we experience the pain and brokenness that drives us inward and it is in a relationship that we heal.