From Death to Life

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." ~ Jesus

When I started this journey I had no idea what laid ahead of me. I have worked through a LOT of things in my life. I mean a lot. Yet, this journey has been so different. From the moment I took the first steps. The way that it all started is so incredibly different than any of my other seasons of healing. I've been processing my life since 2010 when I had a miraculous encounter with the Holy Spirit who showed me that my "normal" was not all that normal. I've worked in mental health, recovery, and church ministries and none of them have compared to the insanely unique journey I now find myself on.

At the beginning of 2020 I was listening to a prophetic conference which was addressing "releasing your voice". Mostly, it was about spiritual bondage and then there was this brief moment in which one of the speakers said, "I think we need to understand that trauma must be taken seriously. There are people here who have traumatic experiences locked up in your mind and this is the year that the Lord wants to release them so that you can find freedom." He then prayed over everyone- I was so moved and yet...nothing changed.

Then about a week later I was looking through apps on the YouVersion Bible App and found one on Narcissism and of course I thought everyone else in my life was really the problem so I read it. This short, six day devotional rocked my world. At the end there was a link to a book, which, the devotional was based on called The Other Half of Church. When the book arrived I read it in just a couple sittings and was forever changed. So many questions that I had were answered. So many things I felt but couldn't quite describe were labeled and given names. Also, I realized that I am my own worst enemy. My internal world was one of the biggest hurdles that I would have to process, accept, embrace, and smother in grace before I could move on with my life in a deep and meaningful way.

So much so that I geeked out and when a friend had a "Power Point Party" (basically the most amazing and awesome party I have ever attended) I put together my power point on the book and shared as much as I could in my way too short 10 minute window. Thankfully several others were touched in the same way I was and decided to read the book as well!

In the Fall of 2021 I attended a conference at a local church. I was very drawn to the prophetic speaker and also very afraid to speak with him. While at the conference a woman mention that she was from Duluth, MN the town that I grew up in. My family left Oklahoma when I was only six weeks old to start a church, Ekklesia. Things went well initially at the church however our family and the church fell apart at the same time. I will share more on my history another time. For now it's important to know that there was a lot of betrayal, lying, and perversion from my father, the Pastor and this caused pain for everyone involved- especially my family.

I found myself incredibly curious if this woman knew my family. It is always a gamble to ask because people either, don't know him, were incredibly touched by my father, or are filled with rage and judgment- I never know what I am going to get. When I asked her if she knew of the church she said "yes" and then asked me why. I held my breath as I told her who I am and immediately her eyes began to fill with tears. She said, "I want to apologize on behalf of the Church for the way we handled the situation. We didn't know how to love or how to be with you through what your family was experiencing. Please forgive us" to which I did and asked forgiveness on behalf of my family for the way we handled things, abandoned the church, lived double lives, and didn't represent truth well. It was POWERFUL.

By this time I knew that I was in territory that I had never traveled before. I could sense that I was making relational connections that I could not have made on my own. I found that the book I read that impacted me so deeply was written by a man who refers to himself as a neurotheologian. I began reading as many books related to "Neurotheology" as I could. Dr. Jim Wilder is a PHD Psychologist and a pastor. He takes brain science and faith and helps to lead people into meaningful, healthy, joy filled relationships. It was like the two worlds I loved most, my faith and psychology were colliding!

In another book written by Jim Wilder, Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, spiritual adoption is discussed as one of the tools that God designed to bring healing, restoration, and belonging into peoples lives. They posit that God brings people into our lives that will help to heal the very wounds we have experienced in life. They believe God's word that says He sets the orphans among families. I began praying for spiritual Fathers that could help bring healing to the gaping wounds that were left by my own natural father.

While flying to Florida I was listening to teachings discussing spiritual families and I decided to reach out to two people. First the prophetic speaker from the conference. I asked my friends that attend the church he visited if they could get his email address for me. Of course, that's much easier than calling or texting him. LOL Well it turns out nobody was going to give me his email, but they had gotten me his cell phone number. Not what I wanted. I decided to be bold and reach out to him to ask if he would consider mentoring me- like a spiritual father. I'm not quite sure how you ask someone you don't know to be an integral part of your life without sounding like a psycho. I tried very intently to seem as normal as possible, sent the message, and awaited his response.

At the same time I decided to reach out to the woman whom I had met and ask her to mentor me as well. She told me she would but that she was dealing with some life issues and wasn't going to be available for several months.

As time went on I waited and waited for my "spiritual family" to arrive. Nothing. Then Nothing. Finally more of Nothing. One day I was listening to YouTube and the speaker I had asked to mentor me popped up on my feed. He was speaking about...wouldn't you guess it spiritual family. A quote he said hit me so hard I began to cry. He said someone had told him "It's ok to miss your dad, and it's ok to ask for another". I sat down at my table and texted him one last time. He responded with a simple- "I'm sorry I don't know you, I'll pray about it". I thanked him and told him that I would wait to hear from him, I deleted his number, and waited. To this day he has not responded.

While I was sitting at the table after texting him I began to cry with heaves that were so deep my body shook and I called out to God. I praycryyelled at him "I don't want to beg for family, I don't want to beg for people to love me, please bring me who I need, I don't know but you do". While I was praying the woman I reached out to months before texted me (mind you we had no contact since she was last in two or three months before) and said, "Can you video chat in the next 30 mins"? I was so shocked! I wiped my face as quickly as I could and responded yes.

When we got on the video chat about 15 mins later she was there with a friend. Someone she called her spiritual father. They asked me if I wanted to work with them to create a relational skills class and the three of us began meeting. Her spiritual father became my friend and mentor. The rest is history.

All that I have learned over the last decade has been a foundation and the change of learning applicable interpersonal neurobiology has exponentially sped up my growth. I've come to know myself in a new way and am now seeing others as they are. My ideas, understanding, and current way of being had to be challenged, exposed, and laid down so that I could step into the next layer of healing and relational relearning.

The process of relearning relationship requires that we allow our old ways of doing things to "fall to the earth and die". As we do, a new, deeper, more living and loving way of living life emerges. I am excited to share my journey of death to life with you!