Who's to Blame For This Pain?

As we take some time to dig into attachment security and insecurity it is easy for the half of people in the world with insecure attachments to wonder....who should I blame? Are the parents to blame? In some cases, the answer is an unequivocal, yes. In others- it's a yes and a no. Most parents did the absolute best that they could, even if their best was painful and damaging. They did what they knew and that is what we will be discussing today. The impact of parenting on our parents, on us, and our children or future children.

Mother's Mothering

One of my favorite professionals that I follow is named Allan Schore. He pioneered the emergence of understanding our right brain, how it operates, and what it does in our lives. In his most recent book, Right Brain Psychotherapy, he discusses how our initial life experiences with our mothers are seared into our right brain and the impact it has on our lives in the long run. Schore (2019) says,

typically women who can't mother their children in an attuned way are suffering from the consequences of unresolved early emotional trauma themselves. The experience of a female infant with her mother influences how she will mother her own infants. Thus, if early childhood trauma remains unresolved and unconscious, it will inevitably be passed down the generations. To put it bluntly, a mother's untreated early relational trauma is burned into the developing right hemisphere of her infant's brain, leaving behind neurological scars.

The experience a girl has with her mother becomes an unconscious part of her identity and the lens through which she views relationships as she grows. As mothers, it may feel very weighty and as if you are the only one responsible for your child's development. It is incredibly important that we do our best to love, care for, protect, and meet the physical and emotional needs of our children.

The Father's Effect

However, it isn't just women who have a responsibility in caring for and developing the identity and attachments children will carry into adulthood. Schore (2019) goes on to say,

Subsequent to a child's relationship with the mother during its first year the child forms a second attachment relationship to the father in the second year. The quality of a toddler's attachment to his father is independent of that of his mother. At 18 months, here are two separate attachment dynamics in operation. Those who experience being protected, cared for, and loved by their father will internalize that relationship as a lifelong send of safety. it also seems that the father is critically involved in the development of a toddler's regulation of aggression.

In essence, we will repeat what we don't repair. If as a child your parents weren't able to protect, provide, and meet your needs physically AND emotionally, and you don't actively seek to find restoration and healing you will pass down what you know. It's important to know that this "knowing" I am referring to is at the deepest preverbal levels, and is not something that you can talk your way out of or describe away. Instead, each person with an insecure attachment has to learn how to interact with people in the relationship the way they were created to do instead of the dysfunctional way they learned.

Choose Healing-Choose Restoration-Choose Life

Becoming emotionally aware, attuned, and mature is paramount to the success and security of our future generations. This deep work requires much more than changing our physical outward behaviors. Secure attachment is not developed by breastfeeding, sleeping with the baby, wearing the baby, staying home with the baby, or any of the other commonly held beliefs. It is the ability to attune to them emotionally, regulate their emotions externally, and stay present with the little one emotionally during overwhelming emotional experiences.

Having your eyes opened to these truths for the first time can be incredibly difficult. I want to encourage you and let you know that even if things did not start well and you developed an insecure attachment style there is hope that you can still learn to develop earned secure attachments. The process is painful and incredibly difficult but it is doable. You can relearn relationships and develop strong and secure attachments even as an adult.

Ask Yourself

This week as you digest these things I encourage you to reflect on your relationships with your family of origin, your spouse/significant other, your children, church family, friends, and coworkers.

And consider your attachment style.

How is it affecting your relationships?

Is there anything you wish were different?

Do you recognize insecure attachments in your relationships?

Are you ready to set out on the journey to Relearn Relationship?

The next blog post will address the Dismissive Attachment style. Stay tuned and join me on the journey. If you prefer listening to reading- check out my podcast!